“Make Your Own Goddamn Cars” says Company Officials
Toyota announced today they have decided to pull out of the US and move all operations to China. “That’s where the action is anyways,” said Saguro Izanami, head of US public relations for Toyota. “You want perfect cars, get the Pope to make them,” she continued. “We’re getting pretty sick and tired of Americans blaming their lousy driving on us. We’ve put just about everything in our cars we can think of to help bonehead drivers negotiate the highways and byways. Now you want us to drive the things for you too? Screw that. We’re outta here.”
Toyota’s announcement is, in part, a response to a class action lawsuit registered in Peoria last week. The lawsuit alleges that Toyota is responsible for several million speeding tickets handed out to Americans over the last several years. Plaintiffs point to recently identified accelerator problems in several models as the primary cause of the law breaking. “We are a nation of laws,” said lead litigator, Rusty Johnson. “Americans have always held the speed limit as a sacred trust and would never knowingly or willingly exceed it. When GM was the number one car company we never had these speeding problems. Toyota should be held accountable for these egregious actions that have made our nation’s highways less safe.” Said driver and co-plaintiff Walt Randley, “I started out in Chicago on a business trip to St. Louis. I couldn’t keep my Camry under 80 the whole way no matter how hard I tried. Got three tickets even though I explained to the officers it wasn’t my fault. Next time I’m getting a Ford.”
Secretary LaHood directs Toyota to the nearest exit
“Thanks a lot you bunch of whiners,” said a dismayed Karyn Van Pleble, head of the Kentucky Chamber of Commerce. “Toyota is, or was, one of our main employers. Couldn’t you have just kept your big mouths shut. I guess we go back to selling fried chicken now. That should help the nation’s obesity problem.”
Secretary of Transportation, Ray LaHood, addressed the nation advising drivers to “get the hell out of those Jap cars, pronto. Those bastards still haven’t gotten over WWII. I’ve been expecting something like this ever since we kicked their asses at Okinawa. If people had just bought American this never would have happened.”
Third generation Toyota head Akio Toyoda expressed regret that he had to deal with this problem. “In Japan, I am worshiped as a God. In America, my name is misspelled. I shouldn’t have to put up with this shit.”
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